As the people-pleasing person that I am, and the one who realised recently that she only posted three new blog entries in 2014, I feel I should apologise, not because I feel sorry, but because that’s what a people-pleaser like me would say in this situation. Sorry.
But really, I’m sorry to myself. For not taking to the keys to let my emotions out more in 2014. For not being honest with the shit that hit the fan in 2014. FYI- 2014 was a scary year. Way scary. Pack up your bags and move 4,000 miles east scary. Know no one and survive scary. Survive semester one of grad-school while battling your health and mental status scary. Fall in love scary.
2014 brought me to my new home in London. I’m thankful and awe-struck at God’s abundance and guidance in leading my life to this point. My road to London was never an easy one, as many know, grad school was originally meant for France, then for Bath- but ultimately I followed my heart to London where God prepared me.
He has set a course for me this year. This I am convinced of. God is asking me to trust him in ways I’ve never been secure in doing. So to be transparent in a time of extreme weakness and to let you all in on where my life is, unlike so often what you see in the picture perfect lives we live on instagram, facebook, etc. Here’s where I need God. Right here, right now.
1) My health. Since I moved to London, I’ve been battling with one thing after another. First kidney stones, then loneliness, now debilitating anxiety. It’s been ongoing and sort of killing me while living here. I’m daily reminded that I need to ask for help, but feeling like a burden is something I constantly battle with.
2) My mind. I’ve been really weak. For those of you reading who know me personally, you’d often disagree with this but my mind is my biggest enemy. I live in my head far too often and let my negative thoughts attack me.
3) My relationship. For the first time, I think ever, I’m in a relationship that I’m afraid to lose. Legit terrified. In no way do I deserve the type of man my boyfriend is, and yet he’s here and loves me. I’m not really sure what I did to get him to love me, but I need God in our relationship so I don’t mess this up. I need God to help me feel worthy not only of my boyfriend’s love, but of his love too.
4) My schoolwork. I’ve never entered into something uncertain, mainly because I don’t like risk, but mostly because I hate failing at anything. I actively do not do things I’m not good at, because I hate looking foolish. I avoid them. I need God to open my heart and mind and just let me try. I need him to push the desire of my heart to succeed and unfurl in me the desire to achieve for him. I’m scared though. Super scared.
5) Fear. It’s the common denominator in my life. It’s the constant. It’s what hangs out in my head every day. It’s what makes my anxiety and depression usual and normal in my life. How dare the devil do that to me. I’m so weak that I let him think he has the power to overcome my heart and mind to make me worry and fear my life? I need God to cover me. To pull me from my fears, from my worries. To remind me daily, that I am his and he is mine. That everything is possible through him. In him.
So there they are. Those are the big five. The ones I think of often. Daily. The ones that hopefully, as 2014 is now gone, and 2015 has begun, I will understand, I will push past and gain confidence in. Please join me prayerfully, if you would, to ask God for his hand on these five pieces of my life. Thank you all.
I hope to be back writing, far more as this year moves forward. No fear.