I find myself going through this very bipolar stage in my life. Some days I am in love with what I’m doing, the people I’m around and where I’m going next. Then the following day, I ask myself why I’m still here.
It’s very difficult to explain to others, and even to myself, why I am this way. I honestly think it stems from my need to travel. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel as though I shouldn’t be in this country. My soul itches to explore what’s around me, connect with others and share stories. My desire to write and experience goes far beyond my desire for a steady paycheck. My desire to see the world and make it my home goes beyond my desire for a long-term relationship.
I want to fall in love with the world. I want someone to love me like I love the world. But the one thing about that is you have to get into the world. Here is where my issue lies. I don’t know what the eff I want to do next.
I could stay in Iowa for another year or two (yawn), save up some more money like a responsible adult would do. I could move abroad for grad school, and finally go through with it (third time’s the charm, right?), I could move abroad for a fellowship in Greece, I could move abroad to Prague, I could volunteer abroad, I could go teach english abroad. I could sell everything I own and never come back. I could become a llama farmer (though probs not, considering they sorta scare me).
My beautiful life is full of a lot of options, which I now embrace. However, one of my biggest fears is that I will make a choice and then hate what I’m doing. Where do I need to go (that’s a question for you God) to feel like I’m in the right place?
It’s ironic and interesting and frustrating as all get out, cause I’m like 96% positive God lead me to be in CF this year, and yet every other day I question if this is where I should be. I am messing up in life, I feel sort of helpless at times, I’m having lots of health issues, I feel like my small group hates me sometimes, etc. And yet, I can’t help but feel like God said- “Go there” and I went!
Is this Satan doing this? Making me question my life? Or is it just the crazy chick that’s insecure and who desperately wants to go abroad again? Or is it both? Cause I honestly think the devil is a lot easier to hear. Ugh. I’m seeking out the sound of God’s voice. I don’t usually hear it. I see his action in my life- putting things in place. But to hear his will- yea… I’m not a very good listener. I was just about to say if only God…
That’s super ironic. I was just reading this morning about Lazarus being risen from the dead. And how frustrated Jesus was with Mary and Martha when they were like, “well if Jesus had come when we asked him, Laz wouldn’t be dead right now.” It was something Jesus did to glorify God. And I was juuuuust about ready to say if only God could uncover his will for me. Ha. He can, he did. He does. I’m just the goof that’s not paying attention. God is doing things in my life that I am too oblivious to pump the brakes and say- I see what you did there.
Shoot. I really need to work on my God skills. Listening, patience, unselfish love. I need to be more faithful and know what goes on in my little head is just a fraction of what God is setting into place for me. That scares the crap out of me. Because I obviously bit off too much this year in taking these steps. And yet, here I am. Waiting. Figuring out what’s next. I guess that’s why people always say, God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.