a different love

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Good evening world. It’s been since November that I last wrote. I think my heart needed to reflect on life before writing again. For me, taking to the page or keyboard needs to be organic. And there are moments each day when I feel the need and desire to write, but the inconvenience sets in. Tonight is the first time where convenience and desire have intersected in a very long time. 

My life has taken a drastic change in recent months. It’s interesting for me to look back to just two posts ago to believe, obey, persist. I talked about my life and my opportunities in terror. Today I face those same obstacles, more opportunities and this time I am running in the best direction with them. 

Let me break it down. Since the last time I wrote here I: 

  • Celebrated a new year
  • Celebrated my 24th birthday
  • Broke up with my boyfriend of over a year
  • Got into grad school
  • Quit my job
  • Got offered another job
  • Confused the shit out of myself and everyone around me
  • Reconnected with who very well could be the love of my life

Okay, so now that you’re all caught up, let me break it down even further. Over the last several months I have been contemplating relationships (as per usual) and their meaning. Love is far more complex than life really lends you to believe. I recognized after breaking up with my ex, that love sometimes just isn’t enough. Love is the foundation to a relationship, love is the mortar, but all the extras are the bricks. Without the bricks, you can’t build a solid foundation to a relationship. This was the problem with my last relationship. We had a whole lot of love. Strong love, but we lacked the bricks. Bricks like common goals, views on God, education, etc. While love will hold you together for a while, when it comes to setting the foundation for a life together, the bricks are what become increasingly important. 

Since my time in Greece in 2009, God has shown me a variety of things. Love, loss, confusion, hurt. All of it. God also showed me a different kind of love I never knew in 2009. He put a man named Kosta into my life. Now if you’ve followed my blog for a while, you know our story. This blog started with our story. When I began my first post here, I was writing in preparation for seeing Kosta again for the first time early 2010. Today, I write about him again, in 2013. 

When I last wrote about Kosta and I’s relationship, I had closed the door to that chapter. He was with another girl, he was happy, and he planned to marry her. How so much can change in two short years. In the time between last seeing or speaking to Kosta- I met a man I fell deeply in love with, I graduated from college, I moved out of state, I moved back to Iowa, I got my first real job, I got into grad school, I quit my job, etc. etc. Two days ago, the last thing on my mind was Kostas. 

He was a distant memory I could look back on fondly. But the last thing I knew was he wanted to marry another girl. For all I knew he was married. Until the magic of the internet came alive. A simple message came through. It was him. After two years of silence. Him. Suddenly it all floods back. The smiles, the jokes, the embraces, the kisses. I remember it all. And it intensifies. 

I look at the quote from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind above and think of Kostas. Apart from special holidays and his birthday, which happens to be the day after mine, I had all but erased him from my mind. My thoughts were on me and my future. Not him. But he was still in my heart. It took all but a few words to remind me why. 

I have loved several men in my life. All differently, all in different ways. Some were immature, others deep, some passionate and intense. Each love brought me something different. But the way I loved Kosta is unique in its own. I never realized it until two days ago. He explained it well. I asked after all this time if he still loved me. His response was, “I will always. You are a different love.” Kosta is the type of love that you can’t erase. He is the love that you ache over. 

It’s amazing to look back at little things over the years and thousands of miles apart. We can go silent for weeks, months and years, and still pick up life as it were the day I left Thessaloniki. Though he is in Greece, and I am here, the bricks are in place. He is the kind of love that I would knock down my life and rebuild with him for.  I don’t know what God has planned for my life. If anything, the last several months are a testimony to how God can change a life so quickly. I can’t help but believe that God wants me in Kosta’s life again. Or he needs to be in mine. 

Our love is something that transcends distance and time. It’s something that with God, could do big things. A life changed like that is worth it to risk. My heart is open to what God is moving me to do. It’s open to interpreting why Kostas was brought back into my life. It’s open to the memories and the rush of emotion that comes to remembering our time together. A walk along the docks. A passionate kiss. Tears and sheets and turkey for Thanksgiving. All of the memories rush back in.

My heart could never erase the love I have for Kostas. He is an extraordinary love. A different love.

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