I am terrified.
Terrified that I’m making the wrong decisions, moving in the wrong direction. For the first time in, well, ever- I don’t know my next step. I have a potentially MAJOR opportunity down here in Atlanta and if it happens, I would be a fool not to take it. I also have potentially strong opportunities in Iowa, and potentially would be making a foolish decision if I didn’t consider them either.
People are now reading my blog and cursing at me, because I’m complaining about opportunity. Who does that? But really, I have good reason. You see, I’ve always known I was good at what I do, I’ve always excelled at where I was going. Now I’m in the big bad world where things I don’t know come up in a normal day. I DON’T LIKE THAT. I am comfortable with what I do know and what I’m good at. There’s a reason I don’t swim frequently or play basketball, why? Because I suck at it.
I’m at this giant transition point in my life where I don’t know whether it’s smarter to make the safe choice and not make a fool of myself and end up bored in a job that could just maybe build up to what I want, OR taking a job that I may in fact be highly under-qualified for, make a fool of myself and be challenged every day and not have it build to what I want. No. I take that back. I’m at this giant transition point in my life where I don’t know. Period. End of sentence. I don’t know whether I’m being an idiot when it comes to job choices, when it comes to friends, when it comes to relationships, because everything around me is a giant and resounding question mark! Again, people are probably reading and cursing again saying- “yeah you stupid *****, welcome to the real world! Wake up and smell the roses!”
Here’s the thing though. The people who are cursing are right. I have sheltered my thinking my entire life, because I have had the privilege from my upbringing and my wonderful parents to live a very safe and easy life. I’ve made decisions that have been very hard, and I have, in fact- earned where I am today. But I haven’t struggled like other people have. That’s never happened to me. And I curse myself for that.
I’m at this crossroads, scared to death to make the wrong decision, or rather, to make the right one. Who’s to say if I take a job down here that I won’t be miserable? Who’s to say I’ll be happy back in Iowa? No one… not even me. I’m just so scared that the choices I make in the next 30 days could set me up with what’s to come, literally, for the rest of my life. That pressure is astounding and crushing, all at once.
See, the thing is, I am so scared of failure. I will do so much to avoid it, almost too much sometimes. And that’s what freezes me every time I weigh my options of Atlanta vs. Iowa vs. wherever else in the world. Because no matter what choice I make, I take a really huge risk with my life. With my career, my friendships, my relationship, with my future, everything. This is a high stakes choice.
Ha, it’s really funny what God just did right then. I went to church on Sunday and the sermon was on faith. And one of the things I wrote down in my sermon notes was this. “Faith is a combatant of fear.” And that thought, moved right into my head just then. My fear is overwhelming in my life right now. While I have faith in a lot of my life, I lose sight of it when it comes to my future. Stupid right? Here’s three things to remember from my sermon notes:
1- Faith is first believing when you don’t see it.
2- Faith is obeying when you don’t understand it.
3- Faith is persisting when you don’t feel like it.
Alright, God. Work in me then. I believe. I’ve got that, but the rest I’m hazy on. I hesitate and question when I should obey. And while I persist in much of my life, I lack persistence in possibly the most important area. I let fear overcome my faith, when God can carry me through anything.
This was not how I expected this post to end. I didn’t intend to speak about the Lord in any way, but it hit me. The decision I have to make is not mine to be made. I need to believe, obey and persist.