looking back

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Today I’ve taken the time in my first hours awake to do something I haven’t done in a long time. Reflect. What I typically do in is go through my two precious boxes filled with memories and I read through old journals. While that’s what I typically do, today was different, yet similar. I’ve taken the time this morning to look back on my old blog posts, and I must say, I am proud to see myself grow.

It was a post about Kostas (big surprise) that I realized my growth. It said this, “I have 14 days to prepare to see the love of my life.” Ok. That was less than a year ago. Just 10 months ago, in fact. 10 months ago, I was in love with a man who was committed to someone else. Foolish me. I’m so thankful for that experience as I now know the type of man Kostas must be and what kind of woman I am. Foolish, foolish me. I learned from that. I learned that while I was loved, I wasn’t given love like I deserved. I learned that I put someone before myself that didn’t do the same for me. Oh, how I learned.

Today, I am thankful for where I’m at. I look back at each of my relationships as a different person. I see what I have learned from each of them.

From Conor, I learned to guard my heart. To never say I love you without truly meaning it, and to never say it too soon.

From Steven, I learned to stand up for myself. I learned that physicality is just as important in a relationship as emotion and thought, and without it, a relationship won’t flourish.

From Adam, I learned to give. I learned that I love hard and that I don’t question. I learned that I stand up for people, and sometimes make excuses from them. I learned that I can be weak, and taken advantage of. I learned that some people will use you and never give back.

From Mike, I learned to be happy. I learned that relationships are fun and spending time, even being stupid, is good for you. I learned that some relationships aren’t meant to be long ones, and that’s okay.

And now from Alex. From Alex, I have learned it’s good to be myself. Crazy, impatient, impulsive and all. I’ve learned that I am beautiful and deserving. I’ve learned that I am giving, kind and special. I have learned that I will always be stubborn and quick to react. I have learned that I am worth loving, and that is the biggest thing.

So when seeing that post earlier this morning, “14 days to prepare to see the love of my life”…little did I know, Kostas isn’t that love. God is that love. He will always be that love, and when he has prepared me, I will know in my heart where his love for me lies. Can I see it in Alex? Absolutely. I love that man. Do I know though, if Alex is the love of my life? No. There are few questions in my heart about Alex and what the future for us holds. At this point, our lives are day by day with one another, never knowing what the future will bring us. Until we both know, it calls for patience and love.

I look at my life now, with Alex in it, with all the changes that have come in the last 10 months. I have graduated with my degree, I have had my heart broken, twice. I have moved out of Cedar Falls and to Atlanta, I have begun applying for jobs to possibly stay in the states and get my master’s here. I have fallen in love.

I don’t know where life will go from here. My time in Atlanta will be short and sweet. I’m nervous to know where I’ll be in September, either in Iowa- starting a new job, or in France, starting my Master’s. Either way, I am blessed. I have so much to look forward to. So much to accomplish and so much to gain. Looking back on the last 10 months, even the last 3 years, I’m happy to say I’m moving forward.

 

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