Two days ago, I witnessed the harshest words ever written to me. They are- with one thing omitted- written below.
“I’m sick of your histrionic drivel and defensiveness from personal unresolved insecurities. It never ceases to amaze me how much drama enters my life when I start talking to you again. I honestly could care less if we never speak to each other again. My life is just fine without you. On that note, I do want to say one thing about all this. Regardless of whether you “succeed” or “fail” abroad, I think you are constantly obsessed with trying to prove something to yourself- that you can achieve some sort of strong, confident character that you feel you’ve lacked throughout your life because of what your psychotic mother and other asinine, self-proclaimed authority figures in your life have told you. Until you learn to let go of the self-competitive, psychologically-damaging cycle of internalizing these individuals’ (and your own) criticisms, you will never succeed. My hope is that somewhere along the way in your travels, you will finally realize this.”
Anyone who would read these words about themselves would be offended. Would be hurt. And I know I was. Especially to have them come from someone I’ve known and cared for for six years. As I sit at home today, not feeling well, I’ve had time to think and ponder these words.
I have never been secure in relationships. Any one of you who’ve read my blog before know that. I love to love and have an open heart, but I question things constantly and do over-analyze everything. “I think you are constantly obsessed with trying to prove something to yourself,” yes, I am and I see nothing wrong with that. A correction above however needs to be made, I am a strong, confident character. I am not striving toward it because I don’t believe in myself. No, sir. I already am the strong, confident character, and have been since the day we met over six years ago.
I have been held back with the fears put in me from my past and my relationships. I am self-competitive and see nothing wrong with that either. My drive is what keeps me going every day. My drive is what moves me to go abroad again to expand my horizons and not assume I can’t do something, like so many people have assumed about me.
I have already succeeded. I have conquered every dream I have wanted to pursue. I will graduate from college in 32 short days with a degree I worked hard for. I’m moving 11,000 miles away to expand my horizons again. I’m staying abroad for a minimum of a year. And you say I won’t succeed?
There’s always that tacky saying, “let your haters be your motivators”, but in this case it is true. I look at the person who wrote those words to me and I see the hate, the jealousy and insecurities that he has had in the six years I have known him. I move myself to ask what kind of hurt I caused him to have so much anger toward me, when I have had nothing but respect and love for this person?
Because I look at my life, and compare it to his, something I should never do… but I have been lucky. Astoundingly lucky. I was adopted and loved for my entire 23 years of life thus far. I was raised in the church knowing God is my everything that I will be loved and protected by him no matter my faults. I was given the most amazing sister a person could ask for. I have been in love and seen love in so many ways. I have traveled the world, met people who will never leave my life, and learned to be thankful for who I am and what I have been blessed with. I question the hate. I question the anger. I question the jealousy. I question the insecurities.
Because I’m doing something with my life that I know, will keep me happy and involved and fulfilled for the rest of my life. He doesn’t know what he wants with his tomorrow. Hell, he doesn’t know what he wants for right now. While I want to say I pity that, I don’t. Because I look at the person who wrote those words and I see the insecure person filled with drama that he speaks of, and it’s not me. I only can pray that he finds what he’s looking for one day that will make him a happy person, that will fulfill him, that will calm his heart- so that he doesn’t have to spit words of hatred like that again.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?