I am a damaged person. Fully dented, broken and bruised. I would be reduced price if I were a grocery item. Luckily that is not the case. I had a conversation with someone this weekend, who basically handed my heart back to me… in many pieces.
You never realize how much your dreams impact you until you realize how it impacts your relationships. I’ve known my friend Joe* for about 2 and a half years now. We’ve always been friends, always been there for each other and always had each others’ backs. It’s been in the last six months that our relationship has been challenged and changed.
There was always a flirtation between the two of us. Always some sort of feelings, but neither of us confronted it. After several weekends spent together recently, I didn’t want to wait for answers. I asked “what are we doing?”
That’s when everything for me sort of fell apart. Joe explained that he didn’t see things realistically working out after I graduate in May, as I’m planning my move out of Iowa as soon as I physically can. “I know I can’t do the distance,” was his response. Keep in mind, this was NOT how I envisioned this conversation going. I thought it would result in, “who cares about the distance, we’ll make it work, you’re worth it to me.” Unfortunately, I was blindsided with a no. Joe will still remain one of the most important people in my life, a true friend. That bond can’t break, but unfortunately my heart can.
In the past year or so, I’ve really struggled with a lot personally. Considering myself valuable, beautiful, intelligent. In general, I am a very confident person, no doubt. But relationships are where I fall. I trust people too easily. I open up too easily. But mostly, I feel the need to be affirmed too easily.
Church today brought that into reality. I know I’ve sinned, everyone has. And if you think you haven’t, check yourself. Pastor John discussed greed today. Not only financial greed, but that of affirmation and acceptance. He spoke from multiple passages, but in Acts 5:1-11 there’s a story about Ananias and Sapphira. These two were married and owned some land. They sold the land to give the money to the church and kept half of it. They told the church that it was everything, not half. They lied to be praised for their generous giving.
I do this all the time. I am so desperate for the love and acceptance of others, I will lie to myself and others in order to get that praise. My pastor this morning gave us his definition of greed: an obsession with acquiring more for me.
Greed is the overlaying scab to the greater problem in our lives… that we believe that God is not enough to fix our problems, our greed or our insecurities.
God rescued us from the greatest of all sins, and he sacrificed his son for my sins and yours. My problem with being rescued though is giving those problems away. Letting God take that burden off my back. While I so desperately want to bare it all and let God take it, I often wonder to myself what will there be left to love? Without my lies, what is there left to believe, in who I am? Who at all, am I good enough for?
To many, I am damaged goods. I’m not size 2. I’m not an ivy leaguer. I’m over emotional and impatient. But to God, I’m worth it. He can smooth out those rough edges, the dents, bumps and bruises. To him I am perfect. I open my heart to others. I listen and articulate. I am what he made me.
While I still have so far to go with my journey and in my rescue, God is always there. While I may not let him in to take my burdens off my back, he waits patiently. Most of all, God gave me the opportunities in my life to conquer my dreams. He’s preparing me.
This was one of our worship songs today. Take a listen… it definitely hit my heart strings.
*name changed for privacy