who am I to settle?

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I spoke with my friend Jenn today, who’ll be moving back to Greece very soon. In many ways, Jenn and I  are very much the same person. We have a fond love of Greece, a respect of its people and the culture. We met luckily, through Facebook, as she found me through the Thessaloniki network as a name that was not Greek. We hit it off instantly, and became quick friends.

I told her of my trip thus far, the despondency I’ve been feeling. But what I was unable to discuss with her was really the relief I felt at having my heart-broken. I said something to Jenn today that I didn’t expect to. I said this- “who gets everything they dreamed of the first time they dreamed it?”

In a blog post maybe a month ago, I said something to the effect of just this. I have literally had everything I’ve dreamed in my life come true. Everything I’ve wanted to happen, I’ve had. Jenn told me today that all I’ve really lost was a man, but really, I haven’t even lost that. I lost me. I lost sight of what was truly important to my heart in sight of what was important to a man that lived 5000 miles on the other side of the earth.

Sure, some would say that that would be an ultimate sacrifice and true love. But for those of you who’ve been reading the past several posts, when knowing the man in question, Kosta- has a girlfriend whom he plans to marry, this is just plain old stupidity on my part.

My ultimate dream still is to work in sports, to still live and work in Europe. Not in football though, in tennis.

You know this trip has brought to light the most important thing. Not just love, which yes, still is the most important thing…but love of self. There’s a wonderful song I grew up listening to that said, You must love yourself before anybody else does.  I firmly believe that. Because truly, how can we be open to giving everything for someone else to love when we are not capable of fully loving ourselves to our own full potential? Are we not our own greatest advocate? I know I believe in myself more than anyone else does. And I should. I know my capabilities more. I know my strengths. I know why I’m deserving. So why not love who I am?

I look around me so often at these insecure people…and granted, I’m one of them..but be secure in insecurity. Love those insecurities. Do not second guess them. AH. It just makes me shake my head. Amazing. I know I’m just ranting right now, and probably makes no sense at all, but really. If anything this trip will have awakened a sleeping dragon in me.

It will have shaken me to my core telling me it’s not okay to settle. Who am I to do that to myself? A beautiful and wonderful being, deserving of love. Damn right I am.

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