love in different languages

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This will be an amazing trip of a different kind. a trip of growth. I am a girl of love. A girl in love with love. I always have been, always will be. Some call me weak because of this, others call me a romantic. I find it a strengthening characteristic, even though it can be the most difficult of all.

Two days ago I got to see Kostas for the first time in over a year and a half. After writing of my love for him I’m sure most of my readers want to know how everything must have gone between us. I must confess something. After I left Greece in 2010 after my second visit, Kostas met a girl, from Thessaloniki. I do not know her, I do not know her family. I do not want to know her. All I know is that he fell in love with her.

To this day they are together. I constantly put this thought in the back of my head, as friends and myself included would say that he was simply replacing me until I were back to stay. This was not the case. Kosta loves me, this is true, but he loves her. He will marry this girl. Do you know what it’s like to have the man you dreamed your life to be with to say that to you?  Trust me, it’s the worst. thing. ever.

It hit me so hard. Like a wall. A knife. I cannot even tell you how much it hurt me to hear those words come from his mouth. There’s a book I began reading during my layover in Rome before I got to Thessaloniki called, Wanderlust: A Love Affair with Five Continents by Elisabeth Eaves. Thank God for this book and its timing in my life.

This book goes through a woman’s obsession with travel and her love as well, aka it’s a book about me haha. There’s a portion of the book where she talks about two men she loves and says this:

“Did love open up your heart, so that you become more susceptible to falling in love again? I wondered at the elasticity of my own feelings.  I didn’t think that this second love contradicted the first. I didn’t think Graham would begrudge it. For one thing my love for Graham was the clearest feeling I’d ever had. It didn’t seem vulnerable. For another, it seemed that to love me, as Graham did, also meant wanting for me the things I wanted for myself, and  what I wanted, at the moment, was to experience life, to discover its pleasures and excitements.  No, Graham wouldn’t withhold  this from me. Graham and Pepe were not even relevant to one another.  They were in different languages, and I was a different person with each one. They belonged to two separate worlds.”

This paragraph cannot more perfectly describe how Kosta told me how he felt the other night. His love for me was and is still the clearest thing. It still is not vulnerable. As for me, I wanted Kosta to be able to love anyone he wanted, to be able to be happy and experience, as I was allowed to do as well. I, however, never found someone in the U.S. that stole my heart like Kostas…clearly, I was not so lucky. So do Kostas’ girlfriend and I belong to two different worlds? Is he two different men? I don’t know. I understand the reality of the situation. Loving someone 5000 miles away. It is unrealistic. Impossible really…though I believed in it like my life depended on it. Then again I haven’t gotten far enough in the book for her to tell Graham about what happened between her and Pepe…

Anyway.

I am no longer the other woman. My love affair with Kostas is over. Though it is crushing to me, and a part of my life now must be rebuilt, I will survive and prosper again. There will be love again. There will be reciprocated love, that I deserve, one for one love. I have no ill will toward Kostas. I never will. I never could. He is a dear man with a good heart. Confused with love separated by oceans. Two very different loves. We’ll never know that love’s possibility.

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