I’m going out-of-order. I’m skipping to the present. I figure I can do that because this is my blog. If you don’t like it, deal with it.
This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions, one that includes yours truly feeling down on herself and confident that she will never be as happy as she was 2 and a half years ago when all was right in the world and she was in the greatest love she’d ever been in. So, here it is….
I miss him.
I won’t be disclosing which ‘him’ as you all are still up in the air about Xristos or Kostas…but I’ll tell you this. He is the greatest love I have ever encountered. The amazing thing I find myself at these days is that I am 22 and a half years old and in no way prepared to be married. I have been in/invited to 8 weddings this year. Two of which are on July 29 alone. I see people younger than me getting engaged every day. Am I jealous? Absolutely not. I look at their lives and I compare mine and think to myself- what have I dreamed that I haven’t done in my life? Nothing. I’ve done everything in my life I’ve dreamt up. I’ve traveled the world, worked amazing internships, gone to school at fine establishments…I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to. Sure, I still have my bucket list…I still have things I want to do and dream, and I highly intend on doing every one of those things. But when I look at these people with rings on their fingers and babies on the way, I have in some essence, a panic attack.
Holy crap batman, I am way too involved in making my own life happen to be involved with someone else. My roommate, who believes in investment of self just as much as I do, read me a quote today- which frankly, I love. It’s by Kelly Cutrone, the fashion public relations guru that she is, and she said this:
”I think between the ages of 15 and 32, don’t worry about getting married, don’t worry about settling down, don’t worry about having a baby. Give birth to yourself.”
Praise the Lord for people like her, who give the idea that the birth of self is as important as the birth of a relationship or a child with someone else. Thank you Kelly Cutrone. Thank you. According to her, I’ve got 10 full years to still be selfish, and I am entirely okay with that.
Here’s the silver lining though…I felt this same way when I went to Greece. I didn’t need a man, nor want one. I wanted to give birth to my dreams and adventures, and I did just that. Then I fell. Hard. He was what I can only describe as persevering. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was scared, mostly of that whole STD statistic, but also that I would get my heart broken. Again. It was very possible. He knew I would be in Thessaloniki only a short time, so why not give everything to a girl that would be leaving the country, right? That’s an easy relationship for a lot of men. Actually, that’s an easy relationship for anyone, and in most cases a relationship that a lot of people would have taken. Nope, I was scared, because you see, when I fall in love, I love hard. I give my heart from the very first day, and sure enough, that’s what happened.
He was everything. Perfection in a human. And he knew well what we were getting ourselves into. We both knew if we continued where we would be headed. At the beginning of the relationship he said something to me that I’ll never forget. He said, “Jacci, if we continue like this, I will never be the same.” He was right. After we both fell for each other, he pushed me away. We were in love. This became the horrible thought we never considered. What if we didn’t want me to leave Thessaloniki in a few short months? Originally he’d planned on a whirlwind affair with a foreign girl, but being the amazing person I am (ha), I changed his mind. It didn’t end up as an affair. It turned into love, and it broke both of our hearts.
Leaving Thessaloniki was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I said goodbye to my friends, who at that point had become family, and I was on the earliest flight out. I was one of the first to leave. I sobbed through my first 2 flights, from Thessaloniki to Athens and Athens to Frankfurt. I cried. Driving away from the goodbye party I couldn’t even see the White Tower. My tears were coming so thick. They were like knives, carving away at me, teasing me saying I’d never come back. 6 months later I returned to Thessaloniki. Before I left that first time, I never said goodbye to him. We couldn’t. Had we said goodbye then both our world’s would have imploded. At times it feels like they did anyway. Every time I finish a Skype call with him, my world stops. Every time I finish a message he’s written me, it stops again. My world, in essence, has been on pause for the past 2 years of my life. Brief moments of reality come to view when I went back two Decembers ago, when we Skype, when I get that email or message. My world comes back to life, and in an instant collapses again.
For me, I wonder when I’ll be able to hit play again. I’ll get to in a month for a few weeks when I’ll return again to Greece. But when will it be permanent? The emptiness I feel here in the U.S. isn’t worth much. Waiting only proves one thing for me. It proves that each day I wait I’m one day closer to being reunited with my everything. He’s worth the wait.